
The last thing I saw on TV before I fell asleep was a Fox News summary of the recent gaffes by Senator Joe Biden. That report and a couple of microwave tacos resulted in the following nightmare:
In the foggy depths of my mind I suddenly materialized in an elevator. I sensed the presence of another person, but I was getting mad because the elevator door wouldn’t open. I mumbled an expletive and turned to the guy who was stuck with me. I couldn’t believe I was staring at Joe Biden, the gaffe-master himself.
“Senator Biden,” I said with surprise. “I guess we’re stuck in here for awhile.”
“Call me, Joe,” said the grinning, silver-haired Democratic vice presidential hopeful. “I hope you’re a Democrat.”
That made me a little more uncomfortable. “No, sir,” I said haltingly. “Actually, I’m a Republican and a pretty conservative one.”
“Well, that’s O.K.,” said Biden. “As I said to Senator America, uh, Oklahoma, uh, Obama the other day, there are quite a few Republicans in this world and some of them are more qualified than me.”
I smiled to myself and replied, “I don’t care if it’s a Democrat or a Republican who gets this elevator to work. I just want to get out of here.”
“That’s for sure,” said Biden. “We need to get out of this elevator just as much as we need to get out of Vietnam, uh, Cambodia, uh, Germany, uh, that Arab place…”
“You mean Iraq?” I asked.
“Yeah, that’s it,” said my new buddy Joe.
Since I had the chance, I figured I’d ask Joe about a few campaign issues. “What about this bailout for Wall Street? Do you think it’s a good idea?”
“Hell, no,” said Biden. “Next thing you know, we’ll be trying to bail out the savings and loan industry.”
“Gee, Senator, I thought we did that a couple of decades ago,” I inquired.
"Oh, yeah, geez, you’re right,” replied the senator. “Don’t tell Barry I said that."
"Barry?" I asked.
“You know, that guy I’m running with – Barry Goldwater, uh, Goldman Sachs, uh, the black guy..”
“Barack Obama?” I added.
“Yeah, him,” said Joe. “He’s gotten a little upset with a few mistakes I’ve made recently.”
I couldn't resist. “Well, sir, that comment about the 1929 stock market crash and Roosevelt going on television was a little bit out there.”
“Well, mistakes happen,” said Joe. “I know Teddy Roosevelt didn’t become President until much later.”
“Franklin Roosevelt, senator,” I corrected.
“Oh, yeah,” said Joe, “the guy who had those little chatty talks down at the fire department during the Korean War.”
“Fireside chats, sir,” I corrected again. “And it was during World War II.”
“Whatever,” said Joe.
“Senator, what do you think about John McCain’s running mate?”
“I think it’s just fine for a woman to run for office and McCain couldn’t have picked a finer person than Geraldine Ferraro, uh, Sarah Pelosi, uh, that Alaskan broad, uh, woman.”
“You mean Sarah Palin?”
“Who’s she? Oh, yeah, that’s her.” Biden was getting uncomfortable and staring at his watch.
Suddenly the elevator door burst open and both of us were relieved to be free of the cramped space. We stepped into the fresh air and Senator Biden turned to shake my hand.
“Enjoyed our little visit,” said my new pal Joe. “I hope you’ll reconsider your vote. Senator McCain and I would appreciate your support.”
“Sir, you’re running with Senator Obama.”
Senator Biden became a little flustered. “Oh, right. Barry would love that one, huh?”
Suddenly I felt my wife shaking me awake and I asked, “What’s wrong?”
“You scared me to death,” she said. “You were laughing in your sleep and I thought you were going crazy.”
I chuckled to myself before I managed to doze off again, just after I thanked God for making me a Republican.
Charles M. Grist
www.AmericanRanger.blogspot.com